ダンス・ダンス・ダンス 村上春樹より
「音楽の鳴っている間はとにかく踊り続けるんだ。
おいらの言っている事は分かるかい？踊るんだ。踊り続けるんだ。
何故踊るかなんて考えちゃいけない。意味なんてもともとないんだ。
そんなこと考え出したら足が停まる。
一度足が停まったら、もうおいらには何ともしてあげられなくなってしまう。
あんたの繋がりはもうなにもなくなってしまう。永遠になくなってしまうんだよ。
そうするとあんたはこっちの世界の中でしか生きていけなくなってしまう。
どんどんこっちの世界に引き込まれてしまうんだ。だから足を停めちゃいけない。
きちんとステップを踏んで踊り続けるんだよ。
そして固まってしまったものを少しずつでもいいからほぐしていくんだよ。
まだ手遅れになって いないものもあるはずだ。使えるものは全部使うんだよ。
ベストを尽くすんだよ。怖がることは何もない。あんたは確かに疲れている。
疲れて、脅えている。誰にでもそういう時がある。
何もかもが間違っているように感じられるんだ。だから足が停まってしまう。」
「でも踊るしかないんだよ。」と羊男は続けた。「それもとびっきり上手く踊るんだ。みんなが感心するくらいに。そうすればおいらもあんたのことを手伝ってあげられるかもしれない。だから踊るんだよ。音楽の続く限り」
I don't want to write the following because doing so by itself brings cutting pain to me. In spite of that I feel I need to write, as I don't forget what is sadness.
A friend told me on a story of a housewife who laughed just after her husband died. Why she did so? That's because sorrow is bottomless. If she doesn't laugh, a deep, dark, bottomless depression just takes her. In short, she "had to" laugh.
A person stand on a very fragile floor. Once it broken, just fallen. A person can be fallen deeper and deeper. This is not only one person's story, but everyone has such possibilities as same.
At present actually I do not have any effective prescriptions against sorrowness although I hope I have. I am still in the dark well. Someone says to me that time soothes everything. Another says "just forget everything except for saving yourself." I think both of them are correct.
Everytime I have a free time, sorrow penetrates and torments me chronically. Maybe this continues for a while (admitting this is also a pain.) But, I want to hope strongly I should not be a heroine of a tragedy. I am really happy to have a family and friends, who are so nice to me. And this kind of sadness could happen to everyone, who lives with such sadness together, but they're so strong and bright. I have to be a person who can save others' sadness. In order to be so, I need to know what is sadness, live with them and laugh.
Still I'm at a loss and I can't think anything well. Only I can say is I just have something to do just now. So at the time like this I believe the best way is just dancing, dancing better.
2009-05-17
2009-05-12
2009-04-26
2009-04-02
A Little Tired
Here, I can't help admit my tiredness... I know that it would be positive if I could say that I did not care anything about. I know why. I always sit up late at night. I do not like to get asleep.
Recently, my Sundays and Saturdays are filled by going to the cramschool(Tatsumi). I usually take two classes a day, one of which takes about 3 hours and a half. Also sometimes I need to take some English exams or mock exams.
I'm busy with those works, but I know at the same time that is good for me. If I have free time, I might think useless trifles.
Last weekends, I didn't go to the cramschool at all because I had to complete to prepare my reports for my job. This report was supposed to be submitted in May, so I didn't prepare so well. At first, I was upset about that for a while.
The work, however, was not so huge or troublesome. If I can put together pieces of my little knowledge, a report seemed to be finished, and actually that was. On Sunday, I slept almost all day because I suffered from hangover because of cacktails on Friday. And on Saturday I could go to the gym for my favorite Yoga class. I felt that my body recovered at all.
And today, I am feeling tired again. Last night I went to bed at 3 am. I know I need, no, must get good deep sleep, but I can't although I don't know why. But anyway I am now tired, so I hope I can sleep tonight...
Recently, my Sundays and Saturdays are filled by going to the cramschool(Tatsumi). I usually take two classes a day, one of which takes about 3 hours and a half. Also sometimes I need to take some English exams or mock exams.
I'm busy with those works, but I know at the same time that is good for me. If I have free time, I might think useless trifles.
Last weekends, I didn't go to the cramschool at all because I had to complete to prepare my reports for my job. This report was supposed to be submitted in May, so I didn't prepare so well. At first, I was upset about that for a while.
The work, however, was not so huge or troublesome. If I can put together pieces of my little knowledge, a report seemed to be finished, and actually that was. On Sunday, I slept almost all day because I suffered from hangover because of cacktails on Friday. And on Saturday I could go to the gym for my favorite Yoga class. I felt that my body recovered at all.
And today, I am feeling tired again. Last night I went to bed at 3 am. I know I need, no, must get good deep sleep, but I can't although I don't know why. But anyway I am now tired, so I hope I can sleep tonight...
2009-03-15
Doblog 2...
At this time, I really should give up Doblog... Doblog seems to be totally abandoned without repairs...
It is easy to change my blog into Blogger. But one thing I was worried about is that I cannot leave the message about my moving because I can't post any articles on doblog... So I really hope that Doblog will recover the service of posting as soon as possible. One posting is ok for me now...
Let me change the story. Today I went to take the Toefl exam. Actually I can say that I have got used to this test. I, however, do not get used to speaking section.
Today's speaking exam was really hard for me. At the first question, I wanted to have many coughs, and as a result I couldn't answer with any satisfaction. Also at the following question, I couldn't come up with good expressions and felt suffered.
I have little idea on how I can speak what I want to say more frequently. I can express what I want through writing like this blog, but not through speaking. Maybe this owes that I rarely speak English in recent situations, and I need to go to anywhere I can speak English such as some kind of school or so.
I felt overwhelmed by today's speaking test and lost my confidence, which is originally really little...
I actually feel dumped because I can't stop my idea that I can do nothing even if I try various things. Recently, I can't stop feeling that I am the bad person who has no ability.
Kept suffering from such ideas, I barely found a stream of light that today's experience make me remember that I need to try again. And I believe that keeping efforts should make me better than doing nothing. I have no alternatives but do keep my efforts. And keeping efforts definitely will support mentally.
As my last goal, I hope that I can enjoy my efforts. I know that for this goal I need to recover my mental state for the time of being. But, anyhow, it is a kind of ideal if I can enjoy a process toward my dream. And anyway now, I'm keeping telling myself that happiness will come by itself if I keep doing what I decide on I should do. And keeping efforts make me forget a lot of hardships in everyday life, and will save me eventually.
It is easy to change my blog into Blogger. But one thing I was worried about is that I cannot leave the message about my moving because I can't post any articles on doblog... So I really hope that Doblog will recover the service of posting as soon as possible. One posting is ok for me now...
Let me change the story. Today I went to take the Toefl exam. Actually I can say that I have got used to this test. I, however, do not get used to speaking section.
Today's speaking exam was really hard for me. At the first question, I wanted to have many coughs, and as a result I couldn't answer with any satisfaction. Also at the following question, I couldn't come up with good expressions and felt suffered.
I have little idea on how I can speak what I want to say more frequently. I can express what I want through writing like this blog, but not through speaking. Maybe this owes that I rarely speak English in recent situations, and I need to go to anywhere I can speak English such as some kind of school or so.
I felt overwhelmed by today's speaking test and lost my confidence, which is originally really little...
I actually feel dumped because I can't stop my idea that I can do nothing even if I try various things. Recently, I can't stop feeling that I am the bad person who has no ability.
Kept suffering from such ideas, I barely found a stream of light that today's experience make me remember that I need to try again. And I believe that keeping efforts should make me better than doing nothing. I have no alternatives but do keep my efforts. And keeping efforts definitely will support mentally.
As my last goal, I hope that I can enjoy my efforts. I know that for this goal I need to recover my mental state for the time of being. But, anyhow, it is a kind of ideal if I can enjoy a process toward my dream. And anyway now, I'm keeping telling myself that happiness will come by itself if I keep doing what I decide on I should do. And keeping efforts make me forget a lot of hardships in everyday life, and will save me eventually.
2009-03-09
Doblog...
Doblog keeps out-of-service for several weeks, which is enough long to make me change the blog ("yuina") into the other service...
And I guess that also NTTData (the administrator) is now thinking the same thing. The company has just started to offer the exporting tool for users to move out.
Doblog is my first blog. And I've been feeling something warm to Doblog. Even if Doblog stopped its service many times, I kept using it and stuck to it...
Anyway, it may be a time that I should change my main blog...into Blogger. Blogger offers the import tool, which is just like a saviour for not only me but Doblog.
In moving the blog, I am now considering how well the characteristics of each my three blogs (yuina / That's the way of my life / to be a lawyer) should be positioned.
It'll be good that "To be a lawyer" should be a diary for my goal to be a lawyer in both US & Japan. Then, this blog "That's the way of my life" will be my English blog, which I can write anything freely in English. The main purpose of this blog is improvement of my writing skills. At the last, "yuina" will keep my main blog in Japanese. So yuina keeps more general than other two blogs.
http://lawyer-buswell.blogspot.com/
And I guess that also NTTData (the administrator) is now thinking the same thing. The company has just started to offer the exporting tool for users to move out.
Doblog is my first blog. And I've been feeling something warm to Doblog. Even if Doblog stopped its service many times, I kept using it and stuck to it...
Anyway, it may be a time that I should change my main blog...into Blogger. Blogger offers the import tool, which is just like a saviour for not only me but Doblog.
In moving the blog, I am now considering how well the characteristics of each my three blogs (yuina / That's the way of my life / to be a lawyer) should be positioned.
It'll be good that "To be a lawyer" should be a diary for my goal to be a lawyer in both US & Japan. Then, this blog "That's the way of my life" will be my English blog, which I can write anything freely in English. The main purpose of this blog is improvement of my writing skills. At the last, "yuina" will keep my main blog in Japanese. So yuina keeps more general than other two blogs.
http://lawyer-buswell.blogspot.com/
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